words and all that jazz.

you know how your heartbeats race when you're reading a good book? you get excited and you can't keep that silly smile off your face. the way those strings of words somehow projects a movie in your head; the wonderful characters, amazing places and you get lost in between those lines. when the character hurts, you feel your heart clench, and when they're happy, you want to scream gleefully. and then you can't take it and you suddenly want to cry, even when the story's a happy one. and then even after you've finished the book, or haven't read it in a long time, it's still imprinted in your mind. even if you've read it a thousand times, you still feel the same way about it.

like after you finish it, you lose a part of yourself, have it hooked to the last page, last word before the words the end.

you know that feeling?

it scares me and fascinates me all at once; words. how they can be inadequate and at the same time meaningful, be it in strings of tales, sentences or lyrics or just simply written on a piece of paper. sometimes they are not enough and yet some other times, words are the only thing needed.

once, i have felt so miserable that i cried for so long in front of my friends. and then budi, gave me a paper with an excerpt of colplay's fix you lyrics: "and tears come streaming down your face." i remember adam gave it to him when he broke up, but then he gave it to me who's heart is torn so bad.

that piece of paper, although the quote sounds nothing comforting, eases my hurt. and i don't know why, but it did.

some say actions are louder than words. but you should know, that there are some things only understood when they are said in words.

some also say, what are words, for they are only used to describe something that we see. what matters is what we see. but you should know, words can help you see better, for there are some things hidden in plain sight, and only words are adequate enough to tell you what they are.

such power do words hold.

when you read the word cry, do you feel a pang of sadness in your heart? when you read the word joy, do you feel the strange urge to smile?

when you read a story, concocted a bazillion of different words, different functions, different meanings. it has you going up and down in a bizarre roller coaster ride. behind every term, there is a meaning to be expressed.

words.

sometimes they are inadequate.

sometimes they're the only thing needed.

sickness and all that jazz

lately, i've been feeling homesick.

i'm on school holidays right now, a two week vacation until i start my final year of middle school. from monday to wednesday i was in jakarta, and then thursday to saturday noon i was in anyer, and now i'm back in jakarta.

it's sort of weird, honestly. whenever i leave, be it to near or far – jogja, bali, singapore, even a friend's house – i have never felt homesick.

and it's weirder because every where i go, it never really feels like home, so how can i be homesick?

what is a home anyway?

home (n) – the place where one lives permanently.

that's according to oxford's dictionary. but i'm sure you guys have heard a lot of other definition of home.

home is where the heart is. home, is a place and sense of belonging.

now i think i haven't exactly found that yet.

every night of this week, i can't seem to fall asleep. i lie on the hotel bed, and stare at the ceiling. the air conditioner always feels colder than usual. it's really strange, when in truth, it's not really strange at all.

something just feels really empty in my chest. i only know that the feeling sort of resembles the feeling of longing, of missing something, or someone. i have no idea who, though.

my family? they're with me. my friends? we're still together. my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, even? not likely. so, who?

like, i just kind of want to leave this strange place. i want to feel familiar surroundings, i want to be reassured that i'm safe? i want to hold onto something, or someone, and just stay. i want to go home.

but home where?

i don't know.

yet.

☂

Andrew Lagerman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.

Sam: I still feel at home in my house.

Andrew Lagerman: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create the new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's what all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

– Garden State (2004)

inspiration and all that jazz.

happy friday everyone.

today i woke up earlier than usual and didn't feel sleepy too. must be because i slept early yesterday night,  been like that these last few days.  anyway, today i'm gonna talk about inspiration.

what is inspiration?

inspiration is the process of being mentally stimulated to do or feel something, esp. to do something creative. to inspire is to fill someone with that feeling.

recently, a lot of things have been inspiring me. i get inspiration from everywhere; watching tv, listening to music, things i see when window shopping and people around me. i've been writing short drabbles or scenes of stories based on any idea that comes to mind and then i stop and leave it scattered all over my brain and in my personal computer.

do you know what do you call a person who constantly inspires you?

muse. it's typically a woman, but i think girls too have muses and if it isn't a woman, it's a man. there are a lot of people who inspire me, but i have a special person, my muse, that have been the inspiration to many of my stories. not gonna tell you who it is, but i love my muse a lot.

so, when i was cleaning my little brother's room last night, i found a small empty notebook (+ some pens and a mickey mouse keychain, it's cute) and decided to bring it with me to school this morning. despite the fact that my backpack is completely full, i did not regret it at all.

on the way to school, i listened to payphone by maroon 5. it was dimas who poisoned me with this song and got me addicted, so. i kept in on repeat and halfway to school suddenly i thought of the song's meaning and the music video and these scenes of my favorite k-pop yaoi couple baekyeol playing it out just plays in my mind.

it was completely genius and since i didn't bring my laptop, as soon as i arrived at school and finished my unfinished homework from last night, i opened the small notebook i found from last night and started writing a complete plot rundown and summary.

things you need to note: once you get an idea, write it down. you might forget it if you don't. you can write it on your cellphone memo or carry around a notebook like me. there were some ideas that occurred to me and i didn't write it and i always regret it if that happens.

so, inspiration can come from anywhere. today, i got an inspiration from a song, and from the story behind it, from dimas too. really want to get this story done soon.

and about muses; a lot of times you don't realize who is this inspiration of yours, but look a little closer and you will feel what your muse has done for you. they don't just inspire you to be creative, they inspire you to be you.

have a nice dream everyone.

heartbreaks and all that jazz.

this is nadyra writing to you on a lazy sunday from her bed.

recently, i've been surrounded by stories of broken hearts and tears from people around me that i just have to write about it: heartbreak.

during fourteen years of my life, i've experienced many heartbreaks. my heart breaks over the littlest things: when exciting plans are cancelled, when i don't get what i want, when things don't go the way i expected them to, when my favorite celebrities date (seriously) and when people disappoint me. to talk about fourteen years, that's a lot.

but the worse heartbreak, at least for me, comes from love. maybe it's my dramatic adolescent heart, but nothing breaks my heart as badly as love does.

you know that old chuck palahniuk saying, you always hurt the one you love? well, it works both ways. the one you love can always hurt you.

when it comes to people you love, we don't know why, you have this big expectations of them that somehow always ends up backfiring and hurts you instead. with big love comes big hope, and with big hope, comes big pain.

but that doesn't mean that hope is a bad thing. it's not. sometimes, it's hope that keeps you going when you have nothing else to hold on to. it's just that sometimes you have to know when you should let go.

i just have one question: what happens if you don't want to let go?

introduction and all that jazz.

okay, so hi.

i'm back on blogger after two years. well, i've forgotten a lot about my old blog (to be honest, i had to read through it before making this one). spent a lot of my time on livejournal and aff writing fan-fictions and on tumblr scrolling through pretty pictures.

so, let's start again. shall we?

my name is nadyra fauzia, i was born in june 1998, so that makes me fourteen this year. i am asian; indonesian. i am a student. i love writing, reading, singing, watching movies and shopping. i am also a k-pop fangirl and a hardcore one at that. to finish this off i am concluding that i am not some fucking introverted thirteen year old with internet connection and thick-rimmed glasses that walks the background of high school and constantly suicidal. i used to think that way, but it got old school, so–yeah.

so now that i've started new and fresh, i decided to write again. like, real life stuff and not some dreamy fan fiction about two ridiculously gorgeous korean idols fucking. like, me and my life and friends and stuff.

to start off this new blog, i will start off with some kind of faq (will link it later, i guess) for this blog and myself. here we go.

✦

why is the title ...and all that jazz?

'–and all that jazz' is a phrase meaning '–and such similar things.' because this blog is basically filled with stories about my life and stuff, i've decided to replace that '–and stuff' with '–and all that jazz', because it's fancy and i happen to like jazz.

why do you use english to speak when you're indonesian?

because i feel that i can express myself more in english. i actually speak it more fluently than bahasa indonesia. my friends call me 'unpatriotic' (i know right, what the hell) but hey they're violating law number 28 sub 1 about the freedom of expression, ha.

what do you post in here and how often do you post?

like i said, i want to post real life stuff. i'm currently writing an online fan fiction series and i'm on writer's block, so i think my brain needs to take a rest from fantasy and venture into the reality. i'll probably go here when my mind's jumbled up to rant, or just when i have something to tell.

where would you be if not here?

i would most likely be on twitter, and my completely pretty k-pop biased tumblr. the links to my fan fictions is here (aff), but i also write on sonyeoncheonji community. just search for the author jessiki there.

✦

that's probably it for now.

i don't have anything to tell you apart from how hungry i am right now, so i'm finishing this off here and will go have lunch. heard my mom cooked beef. yum.

later, dudes. muacks!