lately, i've been feeling homesick.
i'm on school holidays right now, a two week vacation until i start my final year of middle school. from monday to wednesday i was in jakarta, and then thursday to saturday noon i was in anyer, and now i'm back in jakarta.
it's sort of weird, honestly. whenever i leave, be it to near or far – jogja, bali, singapore, even a friend's house – i have never felt homesick.
and it's weirder because every where i go, it never really feels like home, so how can i be homesick?
what is a home anyway?
home (n) – the place where one lives permanently.
that's according to oxford's dictionary. but i'm sure you guys have heard a lot of other definition of home.
home is where the heart is. home, is a place and sense of belonging.
now i think i haven't exactly found that yet.
every night of this week, i can't seem to fall asleep. i lie on the hotel bed, and stare at the ceiling. the air conditioner always feels colder than usual. it's really strange, when in truth, it's not really strange at all.
something just feels really empty in my chest. i only know that the feeling sort of resembles the feeling of longing, of missing something, or someone. i have no idea who, though.
my family? they're with me. my friends? we're still together. my boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, even? not likely. so, who?
like, i just kind of want to leave this strange place. i want to feel familiar surroundings, i want to be reassured that i'm safe? i want to hold onto something, or someone, and just stay. i want to go home.
but home where?
i don't know.
yet.
☂
Andrew Lagerman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone.
Sam: I still feel at home in my house.
Andrew Lagerman: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create the new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's what all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.
– Garden State (2004)
